To clear the air, apparently I’m not allowed to use the actual title of the – you know – championship game for professional football. I’m not sure I can even say the official name of the league. You often hear advertisers use “The Big Game” as an analogous phrase, in an attempt to say it without really saying it. I’m tired of that.

So I’ll call it Bob.

I thought the Bob Bowl was a great game. The two teams deserving to be there were there: the Indianapolis “Rhymes-with-Golts” and the New Orleans “Rhymes-with-Zaints.” There were two compelling story lines. On one hand, the game featured two great quarterbacks chasing immortality; on the other, a team represented a city emerging from the devastation of a hurricane.

In the bright lights and grand spectacle that only come with the Bob Bowl, the stories played themselves out.

And as the game went on – as the clock continued its inexorable march to the final gun – a new story line began to emerge. Fading into our consciousness like an old, familiar tune, the question finally came to the fore as the countdown ticked to zero. Then, with no game to compete with our attention, we became fully aware of the issue at hand.

Who had the best commercial?

Team loyalty runs deep, but nothing is more contentious than deciding who had the best Bob Bowl commercial. Maybe it’s because there are too many choices. In a football game there are only two teams from which to choose. With commercials, there are scores of them.

But all is well, because this is America. In America we vote, and the people have spoken. Even better, someone has actually counted the votes so we don’t have to. Here are the five advertisements that got the highest number of votes, according to the Christian Science Monitor.

And something that I enjoy almost as much are the worst five advertisements.

If you need to review them to make up your own mind, the professional football league (of which we shall not speak) actually has a site were you can see them all.

And, if after conducting your research you don’t agree with your fellow Americans’ choices for the best five ads, well don’t blame me.

Blame Bob.

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“Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.” (From “100 Chuck Norris Facts“)

An article caught my eye the other day. It was titled, “Visiting Maj. Nidal Hasan’s Hospital.”

The author? Chuck Norris.

This intrigued me. It’s an excellent story about his visit to West Point and Brooke Army Medical Center (in San Antonio) after the tragic attack at Ft. Hood.

As I did a little research, my interest increased. Did you know he is an Air Force veteran? He served in security duty in South Korea in the early 60s (which is where he first learned martial arts). He has been a spokesperson for the Department of Veteran Affairs, United Way and the Make a Wish Foundation, and has visited several VA and active duty military hospitals around the country. He was awarded the Veteran of the Year award by the Veterans Foundation in 2001.

According to his official website, despite the fame he has achieved on the big screen and on TV, he would like to be remembered as a humanitarian.

Chuck Norris – more than just a guy with a killer roundhouse kick.

Where were you in 1970? I was in junior high school.

Sergeant Major Caffie was in Vietnam. When he first flew in, “It was 10 p.m. at night. You would see the tracers coming in, you could see the tracers going out. It makes you think ‘this is the real deal.” (From DefenseLink)

He survived Vietnam. eventually left active duty and went to school on the G.I. Bill while staying on the rolls in the inactive reserves. But he soon discovered that he missed the camaraderie of military service and joined the active reserves – officially the U.S. Army Reserves – in 1974.

Thus continued a career that spanned four decades of service, including a recent deployment to Iraq where, as Command Sergeant Major for the 377th Theater Support Command, he was responsible for 43,500 Soldiers.

He retired last month, bringing a long and distinguished Army career to an end.

Thank you, Sergeant Major, for your service. Others have the watch now, many of whom were touched by your inspirational leadership. Sergeant Major Caffie is our hero of the week.

(There is a great interview on the DefenseLink website, during which he describes his affection for the Soldiers he served with, as well as the respect he has for the U.S. military.)

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I married the perfect girl.

I have never gotten a traffic ticket. Well, once. But it was thrown out in court because the police officer wrote down the wrong violation number. So legally, it never happened.

I have never watched an episode of Oprah.

And I never took chemistry.

Which is great, because I hate chemistry. My understanding of that branch of science is limited to what I learned in grade school, back before my voice changed. I remember sticking soda straws into styrofoam balls until my teacher would say something like, “Nuridium!” Then we all laid down on our mats and took a nap.

And then there is this.

The Periodic Table. It is called that because of how often I would actually look at it.

Which is similar to what would happen when a ship’s Engineer would try to explain the chemistry of the engineering plant. That’s one of the reasons I switched to meteorology – to get away from all that.

So it seems pretty ironic that chemistry almost ruined my career.

I was in charge of an Open House ceremony for a newly renovated building that would become the headquarters for the Meteorology and Oceanography Facility at North Island. The old place looked spectacular – new furniture, new paint, and a brand new carpet. Everything was in position for the big event – the chairs, the programs, the band, everything.

All that remained was to hang an old barometer in the lobby to add to the historical feel of the building. We found one, and just as we were getting ready to hang it, the fellow holding it turned it upside down to look at its bottom.

And something silver dripped out onto our new carpet.

It was Mercury.

Now, I’m no chemist, but somewhere in my training I remembered hearing that Mercury is not good for you. We called the base to ask, and within minutes a HAZMAT van screeched up and some men in astronaut outfits trotted up to the building.

They looked at the spill, put up yellow tape in the lobby, took samples, and began to extract the deadly penny-sized droplet of Mercury off our brand new carpet.

It was at about this time that people began arriving for the ceremony.

How ironic, I thought, that after avoiding chemistry my whole life, it would be a chemical that would end my career. Maybe all the years of disdain had created bad ju-ju with the chemistry spirits. Maybe, if I had studied it when I had the chance, I would have known what to do.

Instead, my future depended on the HAZMAT astronauts decontaminating our new carpet. To my amazement, they worked quickly and finished their work just before start of the ceremony. Then they had the good sense to discreetly leave the building so as not to disturb the audience. The Open House took place on time, and no one was the wiser.

I guess I learned a few things from the experience.

No matter how well you plan, be ready for the unexpected.
When things look bad, don’t panic. Think things through, then act decisively.
Don’t turn old Mercury barometers upside down.

I also learned that understanding chemistry is important, and that I needed to quit fighting it. One of these days maybe I’ll pick up a book and learn about atoms and molecules and the basic components of the chemicals we work with every day.

I’ll do that.

Right after Oprah.

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Click on the image to watch it.

(Image from Wikipedia (Multichill))

LTC Van Auken and Maj Flannery (DOD photo)

No job is routine in a war zone.

A couple of years ago, two Army officers were assigned to escort and assist a Kuwaiti forensics team that was trying to repatriate the bodies of Kuwaiti Prisoners of War near Kabala, Iraq (most of the team was Polish). As the 12-vehicle convoy traveled over a causeway, ten daisy-chained 155mm mortar rounds exploded beneath them, destroying four vehicles and throwing the column into disarray.

Van Auken and Flannery jumped out and took charge of the area. They ordered the destroyed vehicles moved off the causeway, consolidated the remaining vehicles in a secure area, deployed security forces, and applied first aid. Their actions prevented a counter attack, and they were credited with saving several lives. No one was killed.

The attack occurred in 2007, in the early days of the surge, when violence was at an all time high. What eventually turned the tide in the war was the spectacular performance and unwavering bravery of the American military. LTC Kate Van Auken and Maj Lauralee Flannery, dutifully serving in a little-known and largely unheralded job, were a part of it too. Their performance under attack was no less spectacular, and became one of the countless contributions to the overall success of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

They are our heroes of the week.

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