Business relationships are personal, too - Second Military Careers - Military Times

Business relationships are personal, too

People get hurt a lot at work. And I’m not talking about the repetitive-motion, carpal-tunnel, back and shoulder type. I’m talking about the pain you sustain when a co-worker, boss or client says something hurtful.

Like when Laura trashes Joe’s project he poured his heart and soul into. Or when Fred and Dave shout behind closed doors. They exit, smiling and patting each other on the back, reassuring the other, “It’s not personal. It’s business.”

Hogwash.

If you’re interacting with people, everything is personal.

That applies to your job because work is a key part of how most people define themselves.

“What they are often blends into who they are,” says Ken Lloyd, author of “Jerks at Work: How to Deal With People Problems and Problem People.”

You invest your time, energy and creativity into a project and that becomes an extension of yourself, he says. If the project fails, people sense they have failed.

Some people are more likely than others to let things roll off their backs, Lloyd says. But the more important an issue is to someone, the more likely they’ll take comments about it personally.

Sticking to the “It’s business, it’s not personal” mantra, the person doling it out can say hurtful things and the recipient might suck it up, rationalizing, denying or suppressing it. This is similar to how the brain handles physical pain, as various defense mechanisms kick in to protect their egos, Lloyd says.

So when Fred and Dave are all smiles after their shouting match and they say it wasn’t personal, it’s nothing but a batch of rationalizations and hope, says Lloyd.

“People who do this are using these words to justify behavior that is immature, counterproductive and destructive. It is a clear case of denial. They know that their words are hurtful.”

As a result of this destructive cycle of communication, I see ticked-off workers sabotage projects, disengage from their work and spend more time complaining and commiserating. In other words, it gets even more personal.

You can say, “It’s business, it’s not personal.” But if you’re the one who did the hurting, you’re not the one who gets to make that call, says Lloyd. “The determination of whether an action is business or personal is made by the person on the receiving end of these comments.”

Both men and women lose their composure, then play the “it’s business” card, to contend that they are tough, and if people cannot take the heat, they are probably in the wrong job,” says Lloyd. “This macho creed used to be for the men’s club, but there are female members today.”

There also are plenty of people who recognize the “it’s business” phrase is not a wild card that allows them to yell and scream and bully others, he says.

I have seen some managers who in the past, refused to look at how their behavior affected workers and their productivity, come around. It began when the managers took time to think through their approach to an employee, then chose diplomatic but firm words. Those few extra steps resulted in a productive, adult conversation. Having done that, everyone got over the problem and went back to business.

As my one client who tried this tack told me, “Hey, this touchy feely stuff really works.”

(Andrea Kay writes the At Work column. She is the author of “Life’s a Bitch and Then You Change Careers: 9 Steps to Get Out of Your Funk and On To Your Future.” Send questions to her at 2692 Madison Road, No. 133, Cincinnati, OH 45208; www.andreakay.com. E-mail: andrea@andreakay.com.)