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Handling custody after a divorce

Each state has its own laws on child custody, but generally speaking, there are two forms: legal and physical. Each form of custody provides a parent with different rights, and it’s crucial that parents seeking custody of their children know the different forms of custody and what each form means for them and their wallet.

Legal custody refers to who has the power to make decisions regarding the children. When parents have joint legal custody, each parent has equal rights and equal responsibilities regarding participation in major decisions in the lives of their children. Major decisions include, but are not limited to, issues of education, religious training and health care. Sole legal custody provides only one parent with the right to make decisions on such issues concerning his or her children.

On the other hand, physical custody, or residential custody, is concerned with where the children will reside and, generally, who will be paying child support. The parent with whom the child resides is referred to as the custodial parent, while the other parent is called the noncustodial parent. While child support is not the focus of this discussion, it’s worth noting that the noncustodial parent is responsible for paying child support to the custodial parent.

Occasionally, there may be a situation that is commonly referred to as shared physical custody. This occurs when the parents have a virtually 50/50 physical custody arrangement, in which the child may reside with one parent for a week and with the other parent the following week, or a similar alternating arrangement.

This type of custody is rare because it requires the basic duplication of homes with the same number of bedrooms and generally requires the parents to live within the same school district.

Custody of your children is not something to be taken lightly, but at the same time it is not in the best interests of anyone — most importantly your children — to get into a contentious and lengthy legal battle. The only people who win in a contentious child custody battle are the lawyers.

If you know in your heart that your children’s mother or father is a good parent, recognize that fact. Realize the importance of that parent in the lives of your children, set aside any negative feelings and work together toward a resolution that will benefit the children — whom you both love. Not only will your child be healthier (mentally, emotionally and possibly physically), but you will save tons of money in legal fees. And your success in litigation is never guaranteed.

The next tough question that will most likely arise, if it hasn’t already, is: Should you talk to your children? The answer is yes. However, there are some guidelines that you need to follow to protect them and protect the relationship the children have with you and your ex-spouse.

As in many other areas of your life, you need a plan and need to practice what you’re going to say to the children beforehand. Be sure to reassure them from the beginning that everything is going to be all right. You can help reassure them by being focused, clear and prepared to tell them the truth. Keep in mind that it’s not necessary to tell them the whole truth about why you and your significant other are separating.

It’s even more reassuring for the children if you and the other parent are able to tell the children together. Remember, however, that you and your significant other must be able to communicate without indicating to the children that you blame each other. Offering reassurance is possible if you have the next steps set up, i.e. custody and visitation, and telephone contact.

Inevitably, the children will have questions, and it is important that you be able to answer them. It’s crucial that you never depend on your children to support you during this difficult time. If necessary, have an adult support network in place to help you.

Without question, your separation will likely be the most difficult thing that you have ever had to go through, especially if you have children, but try not to focus only on negatives. Ultimately, be honest with your children about what’s going on in their lives now and what you hope the future will bring.

The bottom line: You and your significant other know your children best. You both know how much information is too much, and what is or is not age-appropriate information for your children.

DISCUSS: Custody ins and outs