Domestic abuse feeds on secrecy — cut it off - Military Community, Spouse and Family Resources - Military Times

Domestic abuse feeds on secrecy — cut it off

I’m glad little that occurs behind closed doors domestically is considered private these days. Truth somehow manages to snake its way into the glaring light of scrutiny, no matter how hard we struggle to keep it hidden.

The kids know. Friends, family members, even our neighbors and military co-workers know. As a community, we’ve run out of excuses when it comes to crimes of the heart. We all know the name of this demon that feeds on secrecy:

Spousal abuse.

Had I known a decade ago as much as I do now about domestic violence, I would have immediately phoned my mother and father, long since divorced because of their own intense anger issues, and breathed across the expanse of 1,300 miles, “I finally get it.”

What I “get” is that spousal abuse isn’t the entirely male-generated problem it is portrayed to be, in which all abused women are victims, and men who commit acts of violence in the home are monsters.

The media, the masses and our own female egos have fed this sweeping misconception. The truth is, we women sometimes bear a significant share of responsibility for spousal abuse.

How can this be? Simple: by subconsciously encouraging spousal abuse — and our own future victimization — by how poorly we treat our husbands.

We frequently play important roles in our own victimization. Remember, we stayed after the first signs of abuse in our marriages. As much as we try to hide and refuse to pour out our pain to anyone who might listen, we are also, unconsciously or not, contributors to it.

Yes, we tried to keep a family intact. As much as we rationalized the validity of our reasons for staying in a volatile relationship, we hated ourselves for trying to find a way to forgive the unforgivable. And we made the men in our lives pay, one way or another, for the control and dominance they exerted over us.

This is not to say that all women contribute to their own abuse, but those who have often don’t recognize the damage their actions can do.

I learned at an early age that there are grown-up women who put an awful lot of energy into criticizing and verbally demoralizing the grown-up men in their lives. I watched the male authority figures in my life — uncles, neighbors, my own father — submit to an endless array of ridicule from the women they lived with over what, I thought, were trivial disputes.

For instance, meetings with co-workers that lasted until midnight. Wedding-reception conversations with an attractive woman while standing too close. Working late and not picking up the kids from the baby sitter as expected.

To a child, these are ridiculous reasons for shattering perfectly good china against the wall as a man dodges an onslaught of plates and bowls. Tossing his entire wardrobe out into the front yard in a heap. Berating him viciously in public. As an adult, I can’t help but wonder: Why didn’t any of these women leave or seek counseling instead of waiting for a knock-down, drag-out fight?

It wasn’t until I became, in a previous military marriage, one of these women I remember so vividly from my own youth that I realized I bear some responsibility for the violence that continually erupted in our home.

Although we women never ask to be abused by the men in our lives, let’s face it: Some of us do everything we can, consciously or not, to set the stage for our own victimization.

Some of us do our darnedest to be as emotionally and psychologically abusive as possible. We relentlessly criticize and condemn, freely humiliate and demoralize. We incessantly call these men losers and failures. We ridicule them in our joking conversation with others. We coldly banish them to sleep on the couch in the living room, or refuse to speak to them for days on end. Those actions, while not physical, are their own form of abuse.

Silly little moments driven by anger in a marriage that cause petty disputes to unfold and inevitably escalate? Maybe. Enough to drive a man to emotionally snap and lash out physically? It’s difficult to identify the breaking point in relationships where abuse is a two-way street.

If you know someone in our military community trying to summon up enough courage to speak out against an abuser — male or female — and yearning to make the abuse finally stop, please try to show some serious compassion for the person. Urge him or her to reach out for help.

Remember: The kids watch. They see, they know. And they are learning from us.

We owe it to each other and the kids involved to do what we can to help those struggling with dangerous relationships now — before it’s too late.

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Debi Ketner, a 14-year military spouse, is married to a retired Navy senior chief petty officer. She lives in Norfolk, Va. Get in touch with her or join the conversation in The Home Front blog at http://www.militarytimes.com/blogs/homefront.