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Tips for families

Tips for families to help their children during deployments:

• Establish rules and limits, as a family, before deployment —money, chores, responsibilities, and consequences for disobeying family rules, said Cathy Stokoe, Navy family readiness program manager. Also, avoid saying, “Wait until your father (or mother) gets home!”

Be flexible enough to adjust rules and limits when necessary.

• Communicate. Phone calls, e-mails, letters, packages, taped readings of books, video conferencing — use what works best for you and the technology you have available. Talk before deployment about how you’ll communicate with each child.

Army wife Ana Monarrez bought drawing pads and urges her children, Ani, 9, and Giovanni, 7, to draw pictures if they feel angry or sad, because it’s sometimes hard for them to put it into words. They also draw happy pictures of themselves with their dad. She sent a camera to her husband in Iraq and he took pictures of his display of their drawings, and e-mailed them to each of the children.

• For the parent at home with a child, make time to listen — and give them the opportunities to talk. Set aside mealtime as a time when everyone eats together, without television or cell phones. When the children are in the car, turn off the radio and cell phone.

• What you tell a child about the danger their parent is facing depends on the child’s age and ability to understand, said Dr. Elisabeth Stafford, Army pediatrician and program director for the adolescent medicine fellowship at the San Antonio Military Pediatric Center.

Be truthful, but be careful about sharing your emotions with your children. Tell them that the overwhelming majority of service members are OK, and that their parent is probably going to be OK. If a child is fixated on fears that something bad will happen, seek help from a professional, such as a pediatrician, chaplain or mental health professional.

Detailed information about communicating with children during deployments is at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences “Courage to Care” campaign Web site.

• Other signs that help may be needed include a child being overly clingy, making excuses to avoid school; steady decline in school performance, increased irritability, and pulling out of previously enjoyed activities.

Younger children may suddenly bite or pull hair; older children may be angry, stressed, and could engage in attention-getting but adverse behaviors.

• Any time a child says anything indicating a suicidal intention, parents should immediately seek help.

• Don’t make a child grow up too fast. The child’s job is not to become the “man of the house,” but to do well in school, help with some chores, continue playing outside with his friends, and be cooperative at home.

• Give kids control of something, even if just a key to the house, said pediatrician Col. George Patrin. Everyone needs some control, even kids, especially when they have no control over a large part of their lives: their parent’s deployment.

• Draw on other trusted people for help. Rather than forcing a child to quit soccer or violin lessons because it doesn’t fit the schedule of the parent left behind, ask a friend or the soccer coach for help in transporting the child, or for ideas on where to get help. There are a variety of resources in many communities.

• Spend time together before deployment, during leave and after deployment as a family, with each child and as a couple, advises the Navy’s Stokoe.