Military Community, Spouse and Family Resources - Military Times

Hiding out during deployment? You're not alone

One of the most popular recent topics in an online military spouse forum was one titled "Confessions."

The moderator started with her own admission that she'd been depressed and lazy during her husband's deployment.

"I confess that I don't do the very things that he didn't do and I nagged him for. Like, I don't put my dirty clothes in the hamper all the time. I don't make the bed. I confess I don't shower every day. I don't shave, either -- who's going to see my legs?"

She struck a chord. More than 3,000 responses poured in:

"I confess that I've eaten an entire bag of popcorn for dinner on many occasions."

"I confess that I watch WAY too much TV and haven't set out to accomplish any of my goals for this deployment (i.e., lose weight, learn to sew, read more)."

It helps to know you aren't the only one slipping into negative behavior during a deployment. It's not uncommon, but we often think we are the only ones doing so. Why? Well, here's what we hear so often from other spouses: "Military spouses are strong, self-reliant, courageous, independent" -- the list goes on.

We are the first to stand up and say military spouses are amazing human beings, and many handle more than most people will ever be asked to deal with. But military spouses are still human beings, and humans get lonely, depressed, scared, lazy and apathetic -- especially during deployments.

We've both been there.

As Holly says, when her twins were 6 weeks old and her husband was deployed for 10 months, "If I managed to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same day, it was a good day."

Kathie remembers vividly the early days of one deployment that occurred immediately after they'd moved overseas, before she knew anyone at the new location. She'd make little agreements with herself, such as, "Today, I'll finally leave the house and go to the store," but then she'd break that commitment, hiding out in the house and staying up too late, watching videos or reading.

Why shower when you can live in sweats? Why clean the house if you don't plan to have visitors?

It's easy to criticize and say something like, "Just snap out of it." But deployments are difficult. And amid repeated deployments, it can be even more challenging to reverse the cycle of negativity.

The longer you let the negative actions (or inactions) continue, the harder it is to break the inertia and get yourself showered, dressed and out of the house. But it's essential to your sanity.

Taking part in activities that interest you outside the house can also help you forget your anxiety about your spouse's safety -- at least for short periods of time.

Only you can make changes. As one spouse added to the online letters, "I confess I need to kick myself in the butt and get a move on." She's right.

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Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer are military spouses who have written articles and presented workshops based on their research and experience for more than 10 years. Send your questions and suggestions to marriedtomilitary@atpco.com.