Focus on the positive side of life - Married to the Military - Military Times

Focus on the positive side of life

In our workshops, we do a values clarification exercise -- we ask participants to identify their top 10 values.

It's an important exercise to determine whether you are living your life -- spending your time, energy and money -- focused on those values you hold most dear.

Shortly after a recent workshop, we received this e-mail from Army spouse Stacy Miller.

"Thanks for your workshop. I just have a comment about your personal values list. I struggled to find the right word for a value I hold dear. ... Well, I've got it now, and it's not on your list ... gratitude. It's important to me that I show gratitude for the many blessings that I have and receive," she wrote.

"My husband deployed in 2001, shortly after Sept. 11. I remained home at Fort Benning, Ga., with a new baby and [a] 1-year-old. The stress and fear related to the terrorist attacks and the deployment and caring for two small boys was a lot for me at that time."

Talk with anyone who has dealt with deployment, and you'll hear different aspects that cause extra stress for each individual. For Miller, one stressor was the need, on top of everything else she was dealing with, to mow her yard.

"I had a corner yard with several 100-year-old oak trees," she wrote. "I hated raking but liked to have the yard looking nice. It was another anxiety on top of many that I knew I'd have to address. I cannot express in words the relief and gratitude I felt when I pulled in my driveway one day. Someone had mowed and raked my yard!"

As military spouses, especially when we deal with a deployment, it's easy to focus on the stress and negatives. After all, they are real -- and foremost in our minds. Taking time to switch our focus to what we are grateful for can make a difference in how we experience and approach our situations.

A 2003 University of California-Davis study found that people who wrote down five things for which they were grateful in weekly or daily journals were not only more joyful, they were healthier, less stressed, more optimistic and more likely to help others. We've shared (and used) the concept of gratitude journals for years in our workshops. We know from experience and talking with other spouses how powerful this simple tool can be -- especially during deployments.

Here's one guarantee about life: Negative things will happen. When they do, you have two choices. You can focus on the negative and maybe even wallow in it. When you do that, your situation becomes more negative -- you become more negative, and what's worse, you'll attract negative people to you.

Your other choice is to look for the good in the situation. Sometimes it's a tiny nugget of good, but just looking for the positive forces your focus out of the negative. If you choose to do that consciously, consistently, we guarantee you will become more positive, your life will become more positive, and you'll attract positive people to you.

While her husband was deployed, Miller chose to focus on the good. One of those focal points was gratitude for the many friends and neighbors who helped her make it through that tough time.

"When my husband returned, I felt like I needed to do something for everyone who helped me by raking leaves, watching the boys, making us dinner, etc.," Miller wrote.

"I decided to plan a Valentine's Day cookie social," she wrote. "It's kind of like a cookie exchange, except I did all the baking. It was a great opportunity to thank people again -- and for my husband to thank people for helping take care of us during his absence."

Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer are military spouses who have written articles and presented workshops based on their research and experience for more than 10 years. Send your questions and suggestions to marriedtomilitary@atpco.com.