A slice of satire: Machete’s slick homage a can’t-miss for B-movie fans - Military Movies - Military Times

A slice of satire: Machete’s slick homage a can’t-miss for B-movie fans

When a film titled “Machete” springs out of a production shop called Troublemaker Studios, it’s safe to assume subtlety is not on the agenda.

What began as a short parody “coming attraction” in the 2007 Quentin Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez collaboration “Grindhouse” now spews into full crimson glory as one of the sickest, slickest, funniest, most surreal pieces of intentionally schlocky B-movie mayhem ever to hit the big screen.

And Rodriguez, who had a hand in virtually every aspect of this production (even playing in the house band), clearly had a blast making every minute of it.

His first canny move was to pick a theme that’s hot news (and overripe for satire): anti-immigrant hysteria on the U.S.-Mexico border. Then there’s his cast, a wildly eclectic mix of D-list stars … and Robert DeNiro! And it ain’t a cameo; he’s a main player.

The hulking Danny Trejo plays Machete Cortez, whose epically craggy visage is like a neon billboard for bad intentions borne of hard times and harder tequila.

In a prologue, Machete, a Mexican cop, raids an operation of a drug kingpin named Torrez (Steven Seagal, oilier than ever).

Although he uses his signature blade to behead, dismember, skewer, slice, dice and fillet about 15 bad guys, the raid goes south when a naked honey pulls a cell phone from her, uh, netherlands and betrays him to Torrez.

Jump ahead three years, and Machete is in Texas — illegally — trying to stay out of trouble.

Too bad he’s an industrial-strength trouble magnet; he gets sucked into a cross-border conspiracy to control the illegal immigration flow for profit.

The conspiracy is orchestrated by Torrez, in league with a corrupt state senator (DeNiro), his slimy aide (Jeff Fahey), and a vigilante “patriot” (Don Johnson) leading a force of heavily armed, dirt-dumb bubbas.

Machete’s only true ally is his brother (Cheech Marin), a priest with unholy sidelines who keeps a stash of special “Mexican cigars.”

Of course, a few women are on hand to complicate Machete’s life:

Lindsay Lohan is a drugged-out Internet porn star wannabe; Jessica Alba is an undercover U.S. immigrations officer with spike heels, tight pants and conflicting loyalties; and Michelle Rodriguez runs a taco wagon as a cover for her alter-ego, “Shé,” leader of the underground network funneling illegals across the border.

Robert Rodriguez stirs this pot to uproarious effect, mixing other-worldy violence with snarky humor that includes one of the best lines of the year (“Machete don’t text”) and one of the best of the decade (hottie nurse to leering doctor: “I can feel your eyeballs in my uterus”).

From its deliriously gratuitous opening to its WTF climax, it’s all one big good-time nut-fest. If you are at all a fan of the cheap and tawdry “Grindhouse” aesthetic — and you absolutely, positively know who you are — you must not miss … “Machete.”

———

Rated R for violence, nudity, drugs, language and virtually any other movie sin you can name. Got a rant or rave about the movies? E-mail cvinch@militarytimes.com.