‘Transformers’ not so prime - Military Movies - Military Times

‘Transformers’ not so prime

It’s long, it’s loud — REALLY LOUD — and exhausting.

What else were you expecting from “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen?” If your answer includes a coherent story, decent acting and direction conducted with anything more subtle than a sledgehammer — this is a Michael Bay film, after all — then keep looking. But if you like special effects launched at you with relentless, mind-numbing intensity at the expense of all else, this is the film for you.

Having survived the original, Shia LaBeouf is back as Sam Witwicky, now off to college, preparing for a long-distance relationship with his girlfriend, Mikaela (Megan Fox), of whom a Decepticon says, “You’re hot, but you ain’t too bright,” which sizes things up pretty nicely.

The Autobots have teamed up with humans to ferret out the last of the Decepticons on Earth — you’re either into this kind of thing or you’re not, so adjust your capacity for sentences like that accordingly. Optimus Prime (voice of Peter Cullen) remains the Autobot leader, but neither he nor his fellow Transformers are trusted by the White House, here personified by liaison Galloway (John Benjamin Hickey, sporting Donald Rumsfeld glasses), though Barack Obama is mentioned by name at least once.

Sam’s college roommate, Leo (Ramon Rodriguez), is a conspiracy nut about to get more than he bargained for. On the first night of school, he takes Sam to a frat party, where Sam is hit on by a Decepticon in disguise — hot-girl disguise. Sam, it seems, is seeing weird visions, scribbling symbols and such. Eventually it all leads to a search involving something called the matrix of leadership, and a key that good guys and bad guys alike are after. Turns out the Fallen isn’t just a title, it’s a Decepticon (Tony Todd) bent on destroying Earth (long story; don’t ask).

Along the way, John Turturro returns as Agent Simmons, now working in his mother’s deli, for some welcome comic relief.

There are enormous battle sequences — you can practically see the dollar signs — but little effort at telling a story. While the effects are monstrously impressive, eventually they become something akin to beating a metal trash can with a baseball bat. Too loud, and it wears you out.

Plot devices shift as readily as the sands in which the climactic battle is fought. Truly, for better or worse, this isn’t anything more than kids’ toys come to life. And if there were any doubt, the “In association with Hasbro” title card at the beginning is there to remind you.

Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, language, some crude and sexual material, and brief drug material. Bill Goodykoontz writes for The Arizona Republic.