Navy Jokes

[Pollywog]

Anyone know any great Navy jokes? I love 'em. I work with a lot of vets from multiple branches and I'd love some fresh jokes to throw at them.

Here's one I know, it's kind of long.

So, these four 4 stars from each branch of service are having a discussion on which one of their branches have the most balls. It gets heated and there's no real way to prove it so the Army general finally says, "Come with me guys, I'll show you something."

So, they head over to the nearest army base and the General finds the first soldier he runs accross. He says, "Soldier, I want you to take your rifle and shoot yourself dead!!"
The soldier sounds off, "YES SIR!" He pulls the rifle to his head and fires!
The general says, "THAT takes balls."

The Air Force general says, "That's nothing, lets go." They head to the nearest AF base where the General finds the first pilot he can and says,"Captain, I want you to fly your jet into that mountain range and burn yourself alive!" The pilot sounds off, "YES SIR!" and does so without thinking. He dies a fiery death.
The general, "THAT takes balls."

The Marine Corp General, not to be outdone, says, "Come with me boys, I've got you beat"
So, they head over to the nearest marine corp base and the General finds the first marine he runs accross. He says, "MARINE, I want you to lie down under that tank and let it CRUSH YOU feet first!"
The marine sounds off, "YES SIR!" He lays under the tank, it crushes him dead.
The General, "NOW THAT TAKES BALLS FAG****TS!"

They all looked at the Navy Admiral.,
Without pause he says, "You guys need to see this."
They stepped aboard the USS Kitty Hawk and the Admiral looks up and finds a sailor working aloft over 100 ft in the air.
He yells up, "SAILOR! I want you to jump down and kill yourself!"

Without hesitation the sailor calls back, "SIR, with all due respect GO F**K YOURSELF!"
The Admiral says, Now THAT takes balls boys."

[SailorDave]

Why does the USMC put Marines on ships?

So the Navy has someone to dance with underway.

[Pollywog]

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

[SailorDave]

Originally Posted by Pollywog

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

Dude, really. Those are quotes, not jokes. And very few have anything to do with the Navy.

[sweetvanity]

my husband is Navy... i've heard the following ones so far from friends (mostly Army) back home

Why does the Navy put Marines on ships?
--Cuz sheep would be too obvious

What happens when 100 sailors go underway on a sub?
--50 couples come home.

[SailorDave]

Originally Posted by sweetvanity

my husband is Navy... i've heard the following ones so far from friends (mostly Army) back home

Why does the Navy put Marines on ships?
--Cuz sheep would be too obvious

What happens when 100 sailors go underway on a sub?
--50 couples come home.

I REALLY like #1, that's one I hadn't heard before. #2 comes in different vessels (carriers leave with 5000, 2500 couples, blah blah blah).

We don't laugh enough at ourselves. I'm all for Navy jokes. I've served alongside lots of them. I really like Captain(ret) Jeff Bacon's Broadside and Greenside.

[sweetvanity]

Originally Posted by SailorDave

I REALLY like #1, that's one I hadn't heard before. #2 comes in different vessels (carriers leave with 5000, 2500 couples, blah blah blah).

We don't laugh enough at ourselves. I'm all for Navy jokes. I've served alongside lots of them. I really like Captain(ret) Jeff Bacon's Broadside and Greenside.

yeah, navy seems to have a good sense of humor. i'm on another forum made up of predominantly enlisted wives, and they give us O-wives a good ribbing about our stereotype (pant-suits, pearls and obnoxiously expensive purses).

i think its hysterical. i was bartending for a little bit and a few sailors would come in and tease me about working in a bar when i was supposed to be "high and mighty" too. all in good fun, of course.

[SailorDave]

Originally Posted by sweetvanity

yeah, navy seems to have a good sense of humor. i'm on another forum made up of predominantly enlisted wives, and they give us O-wives a good ribbing about our stereotype (pant-suits, pearls and obnoxiously expensive purses).

No joke, my last ship's CO's wife wore EXACTLY those kinds of clothes.

[hawk71049]

.
The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”

The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!”

***********

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!




.

[forcedj]

It was a very foggy night at sea.
The skipper of a battleship saw the lights of another vessel approaching directly ahead.
He ordered his Signalman to send the following message on flashing light:
“Turn 10 degrees port.”

A flashing message came back through the fog:
“You turn 10 degrees starboard.”

Perturbed, the skipper sent his Signalman back out to send the following message:
“You turn 10 degrees port. I’m a Captain.”

A flashing message came back through the fog:
“You turn 10 degrees starboard. I’m a Seaman.”

Now the skipper was really furious. A Seaman will not talk to a Captain that way. He ordered his Signalman back out to send the following message:
“You turn 10 degrees port. I’m a battleship.”

A flashing message came back through the fog:
“You turn 10 degrees starboard. I’m a lighthouse.”


Dan