Articles that we recently published about military spouses being targets of "dependa" bashing have sparked conversations about where we're headed as a society.

Common questions: How do people have the time to engage in this behavior — seeking out spouses in commissaries and exchanges, secretly taking their photos and posting them online with insulting captions; or trolling spouses online for some flaw? More importantly, why attack them just because they're military spouses?

Some people have taken it upon themselves to "call out" others who don't meet certain standards of behavior and appearance in the military community. They may be spouses who are overweight (thus assumed to be lazy), or are believed to be scamsters or cheaters, or are seen as exhibiting a sense of entitlement.

The self-appointed arbiters say that if you don't act or look like a dependa, you have no problem. One reader wrote, "Try not to give in to a stereotype, by staying healthy and supportive of your spouse. The way things become stereotypes is by being proven over and over again. Sure, being called a bad name is bad ... but being unhealthy and unkind is worse."

Yet these "watchdogs" rarely know anything about the spouses they ridicule.

In a letter to Military Times, one spouse said she suffered a back injury that required her to take steroids for two years, which led to a significant weight gain. She now goes to great lengths to avoid being the object of ridicule.

She doesn't go on base unless it's absolutely necessary. If her husband forgets something at home and she needs to bring it to him, they make arrangements to meet outside. "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES do I get out of my vehicle," she wrote.

She doesn't go to social functions with her husband. "I do not want anyone to see me and judge my husband based on my weight problem. I do not want my picture posted so that people I do not know can make assumptions about me and present me for ridicule," she wrote.

She acknowledged that not all military spouses are perfect, and said she has seen abominable behavior from some spouses while their troops were deployed. And yes, some spouses involved in local spouse groups are prone to drama, she said.

But shutting yourself away, as this writer does, brings crushing loneliness and isolation. That's a growing, bottom-line concern with this weird phenomena — that some spouses are retreating from spouse groups, from online family readiness groups and other sources of support because they are concerned about being ridiculed even for simply asking a question.

Decency and basic respect for others seems to be slipping fast in an era when the cloak of online anonymity gives people the means and opportunity to say things they'd never say to someone face to face. It's just an immature, pointless ego trip.

If the ultimate goal is to hold everyone in the military community to high standards in appearance and actions, shouldn't that extend to high standards in how we treat each other within that community? Why is it necessary to judge and attack people you don't even know?

Regardless of where we stand in this discussion, maybe it's time for all of us to dust off the Golden Rule.

Sittercity discount

For those of you who have been enjoying free access to Sittercity, its contract with the Defense Department ends July 31. But the nationwide program that helps find baby sitters, nannies, elder care, pet care and other services in the community will still offer military families a discount.

Military families who sign up before Aug. 1 will receive a free month of access to the Sittercity online database. Once a family connects with and chooses a provider who meets their needs, the family pays the caregiver.

Those who want access to Sittercity afterward can pay for membership at reduced cost:

The monthly plan normally costs $35 per month, but is $26.25 with a 25 percent military discount.

The quarterly plan is $70, but $35 with a 50 percent military discount.

The annual plan is $140, but $105 with a 25 percent military discount.

There are other ways to find child care, such as Military OneSource, which can provide information, referrals and consultants to meet just about any need. Families can visit MilitaryOneSource.mil, or call 800-342-9647.

Karen has covered military families, quality of life and consumer issues for Military Times for more than 30 years, and is co-author of a chapter on media coverage of military families in the book "A Battle Plan for Supporting Military Families." She previously worked for newspapers in Guam, Norfolk, Jacksonville, Fla., and Athens, Ga.

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