Approximately two years ago, U.S. personnel based out of Al Udeid Air Base in Qatar brought to light a symphony of culinary ingredients that were anything but edible. Termites, worms, mold and rocks were just a few of the fine touches casually ignored in order to accentuate flavor, aroma and the overall dining experience.
Following the reveal of this nutritious roundup, we set to work on crafting a menu of the Deid’s most mouthwatering dishes to ensure our servicemen and women satisfied the insatiable palate that protecting freedom induces. Menu items such as “Slimy Yet Satisfying,” a dish containing lettuce blanketed by a worm, or “My Sorta Aorta,” a plate of roast beef replete with full blown veins and arteries, featured prominently.
It appears, however, that a challenger has emerged to contest the Deid’s bug- and mold-infused throne. Or, it would appear as much after an appetizing anthology of photos were circulated on Facebook by Kevin Selfaison, a former petty officer second class who recently shared the mouth-watering dishes he encountered over the course of three years aboard the aircraft carrier Nimitz.
Selfaison claimed he waited until after being discharged from the Navy to share the imagery, which he posted to Facebook on Oct. 3, due to fear of repercussions.
“The problem with the food on the Nimitz is not just a Nimitz problem,” the former sailor told Military Times. “It is a problem across the military.”
Others quickly chimed in on the post with their own photos and videos taken from various ships around the fleet.
After scouring the piquant imagery, we selected what we considered the best dishes being offered to our at-sea sailors and Marines.
Get your appetites ready.
NAVAL HAIR FORCES
Do you ever bite into a piece of meat and think, “Man, this could really use a boatload of additional texture”? Say no more.
At the chow hall you not only receive complimentary wads of hair, but locks that are actually fried! Watch your back, Colonel Sanders!
SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY
What better way to experience life as a carnivore than getting the sensation that your meal just died seconds earlier?
Splattered blood may have your tray looking like a murder scene, but the only crimes being committed will be the glorious assault on your taste buds.
THE CENTER FOR EGGSELENCE
This bake has it all.
A smattering of egg whites, yolks that appear to have been hard boiled during the Revolutionary War, and a collection of egg shell shrapnel that’ll be guaranteed to have your teeth razor sharp and your intestines on their toes.
THE ABUELITA PITA
Pita bread just the way Granny used to make — because Granny literally made this stack, and she’s been dead for eight years.
Eat up, nieto!
JUST THE TIP
Burned on the ends, moderately crisp in the middle, frozen on the inside. Who knew a simple corn dog could bring so much diversity to the table?
Ramp up the experience by eating three of these babies as part of our fan-favorite “Keep Your Teeth” challenge.
Shout your favorite motivating Marine Corps phrase as you dedicate 15 minutes of chewing per bite with this treasured dish. Go ahead and skip the gym — with this rubberized beauty, every day is jaw day.
Sure, you might audibly gasp, moan, or even cry when realizing you’re sharing your nutritious greens with a little companion, but just think of the extra protein it’s brining to the meal.
Protein is key, after all, if you’re going to build up the jaw strength necessary to tackle the Ew-Raw.
WHO THE HELL KNOWS
Alright, this one is almost too difficult to spoof.
This looks like a chef stuck two hockey pucks in an oven. This looks like something Hannibal Lecter is dying to wear on his face. This looks like the incestuous love child of salami and bologna. This looks like a topographical map that Nicolas Cage would use to find an elusive clue in “National Treasure 73: America Goes Ham."
This is all disgusting.
Check out the original post to inspect a much larger collection of photos and videos, including footage of desperate stab attempts to cut into meat that, as the West Virginia Ninja would describe, is hard as a rock.
Once again, help us, Upton Sinclair. You’re our only hope.