Q. I recently found out that my girlfriend cheated on me. I immediately broke up with her. She says she wants to work things out and get back together. I'm not sure what to do.
A. Infidelity is one the most difficult things to overcome. It is the ultimate relationship betrayal. And the emotional pain associated with it can bring the strongest men and women to their knees.
Whether or not to forgive a partner of infidelity is a personal choice. Be assured, however, that everyone has an opinion on the subject.
Some feel that under no circumstances should you take someone back if they cheat on you. Others believe everyone should have a second chance. Then there are others who fall somewhere in the middle and believe each case should be judged on the unique aspects of the relationship.
Regardless of where someone falls on the spectrum, the reality is that relationships can and do survive. Each day countless couples work through this dark side of relationships. So, if you decide to try to work things out, here are a few tips that can help.
Remember you are not alone. If you search the Internet you'll find a range of estimates on the prevalence of infidelity. And if you ask the average person on the street you'll hear something along the lines of 50 percent. The reality is that over the course of a relationship there's about a 25 percent chance that someone will be cheated on. It's not one out of two, but one in four is still a lot.
Don't retaliate. When cheated on, a person's first inclination is often to cheat back. But this tit-for-tat approach to handling infidelity only makes things worse. Now, instead of the relationship trying to manage one betrayal, it has been forced to digest two.
Find out why it happened. Infidelity doesn't happen in a vacuum. There is a reason and it's in your best interest to find out why. Many experts believe that cheating is a symptom of a larger relationship problem. Maybe it's poor communication, loss of intimacy, or built-up resentment over some past hurtful event. If you address the underlying relationship problem, you reduce the chances that something like this will happen again.
Learn to forgive. If you choose to stay in the relationship then you will have to forgive your partner for what happened. If you don't, you will harbor contempt and resentment that will eventually destroy any loving feelings that remain.
Bret A. Moore, Psy.D., is a board-certified clinical psychologist who served two tours in Iraq. Email him at kevlarforthemind@militarytimes.com. This column is for informational purposes only and is not intended to convey specific psychological or medical guidance.
