Being dumped is never easy. Some say it's like having your insides ripped out or being on a roller coaster with no end. The reality is that you're going to feel strong emotions, the most common of which are anger, confusion and sadness.
You will want answers. You might want to scream and threaten the person who broke up with you. You might think about crawling into a bottle or just not want to leave your house. The reality is that you've got to deal with your feelings and your thoughts if you want to get back on track. Here are some tips for doing so while avoiding bad decisions.
Talk it out with someone. Lean on a friend, your first sergeant or chief, a counselor, your mother — whomever that person is in your life who listens, who gives you good advice and who isn't afraid to tell you when you aren't thinking straight. It's also helpful to talk to someone who has made it through a breakup. Life experience brings great wisdom.
Don't use your ex as a support system. The last person you should be going to for support is the person who is partly responsible for the situation you're in. In fact, I encourage you to avoid any unnecessary conversations with your ex until you are in control of your emotions. Obviously, if you have children or a financial issue that needs to be resolved, you will need to talk to him or her. But, it's best to avoid discussions about the relationship.
Don't forget your obligations. While you may be focused on your own feelings and frustration about the relationship, remember you still have work, social, and family obligations. Get yourself organized. Don't procrastinate. Stay on top of your routine tasks like paying the bills, grocery shopping and taking care of your home.
Learn to think straight. When you take an emotional hit, sometimes you make things worse for yourself. Sometimes you take all of the blame, even if that is not rational. The following are examples of unrealistic/irrational thoughts. Be aware of them and push them out when they come around.
- I’m no good or I’m not good enough.
- It’s all my fault.
- I’ll never find someone as good as him/her again.
- My life is over.
No ex-sex. When couples are fighting, there are a lot of strong emotions on both sides. Sometimes this leads to some temporary passion. Don't allow yourself to be seduced by your ex (and don't try to seduce your ex, either). Sex between people who are going through a breakup is a bad idea and will only serve to prolong your painful emotions. A few minutes of feeling good isn't worth the emotional fallout, and sex won't fix your relationship.
Bret A. Moore, Psy.D., is a board-certified clinical psychologist who served two tours in Iraq. Email him at kevlarforthemind@militarytimes.com. This column is for informational purposes only and is not intended to convey specific psychological or medical guidance.
