Years-old images of barrel-chested Spanish Legion soldiers are making the rounds online, with scores of U.S. citizens enduring coronavirus-induced social distancing clamoring for the nation to loan any of its uniformed amigos to reinvigorate an existence dominated by pestilence.
American citizens looked for the helpers, as Fred Rogers recommended, and have found their champions.
“Spain is deploying its army to help manage their coronavirus outbreak and not to be insensitive at an anxiety-inducing time but uh... I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, Spain, hi, can you deploy some of that in our direction?” writer Jill Filipovic joked on Twitter.
“We will comply with your orders.”
The images — which have actually been circulating for at least seven years, according to a post on the Gentlemen’s Military Interest Club forum — feature vigorously robust soldiers in the traditional Spanish Legion garb, a scantily-clad uniform once associated with fascism and brutality under the heel of infamous dictator General Francisco Franco.
But when has vanity ever taken a back seat to humanitarianism? Perhaps at our most primal existential state — contrary to the famed “eugoogly” delivered by Derek Zoolander on behalf of three male models who died tragically in a freak gasoline fight accident — there actually isn’t more to life than being really, really good looking.
Today’s post-Franco Spanish Legion, by many accounts, has endeavored to eradicate fascists from its ranks amid its transition to a peacekeeping force under NATO. And so, as Covid-19 began ravaging Spanish metropolitan areas, the ideologically evolved, dominatrix boy scout-looking personnel were called upon to do all within their muscular power to stifle its spread.
But before the world is saved by a few brawny Spaniards bicep-ing Covid-19 into submission, let us first break down these unquestionably superior uniforms.
The deep V-neck: It should be noted that the buttons on the uniform’s blouse don’t even begin to materialize until about 17 buttons-worth of spaces down, leaving soldiers of the Spanish Legion no choice but to embrace a look mastered by none other than 1980s mustachioed demigod Tom Selleck.
The chasm-like collar flares into a behind-the-head mold reminiscent of a Boy Scout neckerchief. In the front, maximum chest exposure allows for a prominent display of in-regulation chest hair and full-length necklaces.
Black leather accents: Dominatrix elements come into play with the black leather. Spanish Legion soldiers not only don black leather boots, belts, and chin straps, but complement the ensemble with black leather suspenders as well.
Accents of black leather haven’t been showcased this prominently since Average Joe’s Gym botched their uniform order prior to ESPN The Ocho’s broadcast of the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open.
Two-tone tops and bottoms: It’s hard enough as it is to pull off a deep V-neck — it’s even harder when the entire uniform comes in different shades of aquamarine, turquoise, or teal.
Coronavirus has contributed to world-wide shortages of various goods, including toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and select foods. Clothing dye is not on that list.
“What mismatched colors?” significant others around the world ask as they gaze into chiseled pecs.
Fourragère bridal garter?: Unless eyes deceive, the main image here features soldiers wearing what appears to be a cord similar to a French fourragère — but positioned like a wedding garter on the left upper thigh.
A vote for the upper guy thigh is a vote for freedom and a sound victory over coronavirus.
Caballeros, we wish you the best.