Watch out, Hooters — there’s a new ‘breastaurant’ in town, and shocker, it’s military-themed

Move over, Hooters. There’s a new “breastaurant” franchise invading Texas with full force, and you guessed it; it’s military-themed.

“Bombshells” — an eatery thus named for the seemingly scantily-clad modern-day pin-ups who will serve all-American fare — is set to open three new franchise locations, including one in San Antonio, at an undisclosed date.

“We believe Bombshells is a significant entry into the market for modern sports bar restaurants,” said Nick Mehdi, manager of the San Antonio franchise, in a press statement. “It appeals to singles, couples, and families, including millennials.”

Ah, yes. Breastaurants for the whole family!

I, for one, feel thoroughly swindled since my father never thought it prudent to treat my siblings and me to wings at the Military Highway Hooters in Norfolk growing up. We always went to Olive Garden instead. Thanks a lot for the unlimited breadsticks, dad. I digress.

Military singles, on the other hand, now have something else to look forward to while stationed in Texas. Just think of it: A sparkling new venue perfect for finding hasty marriage partners in the ultimate pursuit of that sweet, sweet BAH. After all, hooking up with the talent at off-post strip clubs was getting pretty cliché. And the cherry on top is that she’ll look just as good in uniform as you think you do, since that’s the prescribed attire for staff.

According to the franchise website, “Design elements have included fighter plane wings over the bar, helmets from vintage to modern era military, booths made from bomber jacket leather, slatted wood, military crate-style wall finishes, and columns decorated with 50-caliber shells.”

How authentic! Nothing says “America” quite like eating grease-soaked wings under a hot Texas sun with your singed ass melting to sweat-soaked leather.

Bon appétit!

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