How abysmal must an act appear before it receives criminal classification?
Questions of the sort, while rare, were previously floated in the aftermath of the hateful “He’s a Marine” TikTok clip, one that ushered forth approximately 1,775 gallons of vomit from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli.
Now, another TikTok Goliath has emerged, an SDE poster child, who, forget “cringe,” released 8 seconds of facial paralysis-inducing drivel that would send shivers down the spine of the devil himself.
The video below — if you dare call it that instead of using accepted designations like “torture symposium,” “orbital abuse,” or “assembly of ass” — was first shared via Twitter by our friends over at Zero Blog Thirty.
The number of heinous acts in this video’s 8 seconds of unimaginable hell are more than can possibly be addressed via a quick story. Thankfully, responses to the tweet above did so adequately enough, speaking to everything down to the inexplicable use of T-Pain’s “Buy You a Drink” and the piss-poor lip-sync job of elementary words.
Seems only yesterday our beloved Teddy Penderazdoun was serenading us alongside The Lonely Island with tales of boat-based coitus with a mermaid. Now, involuntary association with this gauche affair is to be his fate? A pox on your house!
Nappy Boy could not be reached for comment — presumably too devastated to speak.
As far as the two clips go, it’s practically impossible to determine which is worse.
So, we need your help. Take the poll above and tell us which couple should hold the coveted award for “Worst Military TikTok Ever.”
And please, use caution. Medical professionals have not yet determined the extent of neurological damage caused by watching these videos back-to-back.
J.D. Simkins is a writer and editor for Military Times, and a USMC veteran.