Before the turkey even has a chance to get cold on Thanksgiving Day, mad shoppers begin camping outside Best Buy stores as Mariah Carey’s titular “All I Want For Christmas Is You” makes its annual climb to the top of the charts. For those sane enough to stay home on Black Friday, don’t think you’ll escape the Christmas onslaught. TV, radio, Amazon ads — it’s everywhere.

Hallmark, the greeting-card-company-turned-Christmas media titan, also begins its barrage of holiday movies. Typically, that includes a steady stream of military Christmas movies so saccharine your teeth might fall out just reading the titles. We’d be remiss, of course, if we didn’t provide a ranking of these cheesiest militarized Christmas movies.

(Warning: Spoilers ahead.)

7. Write Before Christmas (2019)

The premise is a little like Christmas meets “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before.” The protagonist, recently dumped, writes letters to people who have profoundly influenced her. This one is not expressly military, but the main character’s brother is a private in the Army who is in love with a fellow soldier. It’s messy and the plot barely hangs together, but on the upside, Chad Michael Murray plays the leading man.

6. Christmas Homecoming (2017)

If you’re looking for the cliché to end all clichés, this movie is for you. A war widow named Amanda decides to take in an injured soldier, Jim, for the holiday.

A wannabe Jody named Craig interjects, suggesting it’s crazy to take in a stranger. She does it anyway, and the pair work together to protect the town’s military museum by holding a Christmas fundraiser. There, they grow and heal together, until he gets orders to ship back out. The trauma of losing her husband to war nearly destroys this budding romance, but true love conquers all.

5. A Homecoming for the Holidays (2019)

Country smarm, thy name is “A Homecoming for the Holidays.” Charlotte, a famous country singer, is home for Christmas and due to write a new album with her cheesy fellow singer boyfriend. While staying with her family, she meets Ryan, her Army brother’s ex-platoon mate. Both do-gooders, the duo work together to build a home for a man in need. He almost ruins it by telling Charlotte that he can’t candle a relationship because of her fame. Shockingly, he changes his mind.

4. Time for You to Come Home for Christmas (2019)

On a train ride home for the holidays, a woman named Katherine meets a veteran named Jack. He’s a guitar player on a mission to play music for military families at a Christmas dance. They heal each others’ wounds and find their way home for Christmas Day.

3. The Christmas Note (2015)

Hooo boy, this one is all over the map. A woman named Gretchen is put out when her Army husband is injured in the line of duty and told he will not be well enough to travel home for Christmas.

At his urging, she and their young son return to her hometown and end up staying next door to a closed-off neighbor. The neighbor’s mom dies, and Gretchen helps her clean out the mother’s house, which is going up for sale. There, Gretchen finds a note from the deceased mom disclosing that she had a secret daughter she put up for adoption.

Any guesses who the secret sibling is? Oftentimes, the answer is right under your nose, or in this case, next door. Turns out Gretchen is the sister, but the festivities really kick into high gear when her Army husband makes it home to celebrate the holiday. Two Christmas miracles!

2. USS Christmas (2021)

Hallmark truly outdid itself with “USS Christmas.” A sassy journalist and the daughter of a recently deceased Navy pilot, Maddie begrudgingly goes on a Christmas Tiger Cruise. Aboard, she meets Billy, a pilot who hates Christmas. While searching through the ship’s archives, she finds a Vietnam War pilot’s journal with a photo inside of a USO dancer named Dorothy.

Despite hating the holidays — because that’s when his parents divorced — Billy helps Maddie track down the couple so she can write their story for the Christmas edition of her newspaper. Their love story makes Maddie realize she is in deep with Billy. Naturally, they live happily holiday ever after.

1. Home for Christmas Day (2017)

A young woman named Betsy begins a relationship with a soldier named Tyler shortly before he deploys. Her mother Jane, who gave had Betsy as a teenager, discourages their romance. It turns out that Betsy’s father died in combat, and Jane never recovered from the heartache — it’s this fate she wants to spare Betsy from enduring.

While Betsy video chats with the deployed Tyler, the feed cuts out and she becomes distraught. At a Christmas concert, there is a tribute to fallen soldiers, and Tyler’s name is read among the dead. Betsy is destroyed, and her mother was right … until Tyler appears at their door at Christmas. Turns out they got his records mixed up with another soldier who actually died. Luckily, Tyler made it home to his beloved Betsy just in time for Christmas. Eat that, Jane.

Observation Post is the Military Times one-stop shop for all things off-duty. Stories may reflect author observations.

Sarah Sicard is a Senior Editor with Military Times. She previously served as the Digitial Editor of Military Times and the Army Times Editor. Other work can be found at National Defense Magazine, Task & Purpose, and Defense News.

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