(Disclaimer: The satirical story has been created purely for humor and entertainment purposes.)
There are all sorts of warning signs to people considering marrying into the military — that divorce rates are high, PCSing is hard, and being stuck at home while they’re on deployment is lonely. So caught up in preparing would-be-spouses for the worst, sources rarely take time to explain the best parts of being lawfully wedded to the troops.
Here’s what you have to look forward to if a service member asks for your hand in marriage.
1. They look great in their dress uniforms
To quote ZZ Top, “every girl crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man.” And there is no better dressed person than a soldier, sailor, Marine or airman in formal attire. Need a wedding theme? Try gold buttons and blood stripes.
2. Swords at your wedding
Have you ever dreamt of cutting the cake at your wedding with a scimitar? When you marry military and make that an integral part of your ceremony, swords can do anything from forming a romantic archway to opening your champagne.
3. Get out of your hometown and see the world (or another town that’s identical to yours)
If you marry someone who serves, you can shake the dust of your crummy hometown off your shoes and see the world. Assignments boast such exotic locales as Twentynine Palms, California, Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, or Norfolk, Virginia. Enjoy the local cuisine, from KFC to Sonic to Hooters — all the amazing delicacies you couldn’t get anywhere else. Or you can tour the sights off-base and marvel at all the pawn shops, car dealerships, tattoo parlors, dive bars, and strip clubs in your new downtown.
4. Basic Allowance for Housing
The minute you marry, you get more money for housing. Goodbye barracks, hello house (black mold included, as are rowdy residents, nosey neighbors, and interactions with locals who need you to know their rank and billet and the pecking order in the military or social hierarchy.)
Health care is incredibly expensive. But when you’re married to the military, medicine is on the government’s dime. Get a general physician, go buck wild. (Experiences may vary.)
6. Long-distance relationships are super romantic.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. There’s nothing more amorous than having your loved one disappear on deployment for months at a time so you can longingly stare out the window and send them perfume-scented love letters.
7. Transfer GI Bill to your kids
College is as expensive as a house. But if your service member spouse puts in enough time, they can transfer the Post-9/11 GI Bill to your kids and avoid taking out a second mortgage on your house so they can major in knitting tea cozies. Free college is as good as a winning lottery ticket these days.
They always roll their socks and neatly organize them. If you’re nice, maybe they’ll roll up all your clothes and put them away too. Who doesn’t love a drawer full of t-shirt burritos?
9. They’re good cooks
Have you ever seen what they can do with a packet of cheddar cheese spread and some Tabasco? Think of all the tasty plates of nachos they can drum up for you on a rock or something.
10. Because you actually love them
The aforementioned benefits are nice, but being in love should probably the main (if not only) reason you marry anyone.
Semper marital bliss.
Sarah Sicard is a Senior Editor with Military Times. She previously served as the Digitial Editor of Military Times and the Army Times Editor. Other work can be found at National Defense Magazine, Task & Purpose, and Defense News.