Have you ever been in the midst of an early-morning three-mile run — just for fun — with your unit, looked down admirably at your glow belt, beaming bright with the power of a thousand suns, and thought, “Damn, this thing is the quintessence of sweetness. Why can’t I wear it out in town?”
Fortunately for you, Urban Outfitters has your peacocking needs covered! And for only $30, you can purchase your very own “Rothco Reflective Physical Training Belt."
Match it with your favorite skinny jeans, a scarf and a snow beanie for that perfect summer look that screams, “I don’t care if it’s 104 degrees out and I’m burning alive — I’m fantastic!”
Traditionally used during on-base runs to avoid being hit by cars before or after dark, the trendy new PT belt from Urban Outfitters will make sure you also avoid being hit by compliments.
The store even decided to advertise the monstrosity on a model wearing all black, because nothing says dark and mysterious like having your entire orbital sockets pummeled into submission by a walking highlighter.
Clearly, normal belts are just not hacking it anymore in the civilian sector.
Perhaps people are forgetting where waistlines exist, devolving mentally to the point of utter anatomical ignorance, and the belt allows for a quick glance downward and an excited exclamation, “Oh yeah!"
If only Christopher Walken could resurrect beloved Saturday Night Live character “The Bruce Dickenson” to give us a “I gotta have more glow belt” phenomenon.
Is no military item sacred enough to avoid being flipped into a fashion statement? Do sports not already shove enough digital camouflage into the face of every consumer?
“Buy this $900 digi camo NFL hoodie to support our troops with .001 percent of the proceeds!”
What’s next? Casually wearing a Marine dress blue jacket with a Navy cover for the purpose of style?
Jon Simkins is a writer and editor for Military Times, and a USMC veteran.
Charlsy is a Reporter and Engagement Manager for Military Times. Email her at email@example.com.