On occasion, one must look at oneself in the mirror and pose the all-important question: "Am I a monumental tool?”

Well, by purchasing an in vogue new coat by one reputable fashion company, the answer to that self-interrogation will be an unhesitating and resounding “Yes!”

Introducing the Wool-Cashmere Peacoat by Ralph Lauren, a $3,495 peacocking piece of Navy-esque outerwear that is sure to keep you warm — and ostentatiously fashionable — as you brave the high seas alongside Captain Ahab in search of the white whale.

“Call me Ishmael?" More like call me fabulous!

The noticeable addition of "naval rank insignia enhances the nautical heritage of this classic peacoat,” Ralph Lauren’s website claims.

And the highest collar in the history of clothing is guaranteed to protect brave mariners from strong winds, as well inevitable wave after wave of insults from real sailors that will break upon this fortress of fashion like water on rock.

Your fashion mission doesn’t stop there, however. Accessorizing is vital, something Ralph Lauren acknowledges by displaying a belt buckle so prominent it appears it could anchor a destroyer. But if that doesn’t suit your style, hop on over to Urban Outfitters and complement the new coat with a $30 PT glow belt that can help navigate the rockiest of shorelines in the dark when a lighthouse simply isn’t cutting it.

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Why not flash even more naval expertise by lugging around some decorative scrimshaw in one of the coat’s four pockets?

A sperm whale tooth engraved in 1825 by Edward Burdett, an American master scrimshaw artist. (New Bedford Whaling Museum)

That’s good scrimshaw.

Whatever you decide to complement your easily affordable coat with, once you batten down the buttons, you’ll instantaneously join the ranks of indisputable fashion authorities, a prestigious club that includes some of history’s greatest seaman.

It was Edward Teach, after all, better known as “Blackbeard,” who, moments before he was beheaded in battle in 1718, said, "Damnation seize my soul if I give you my Ralph Lauren peacoat, or take any lesser peacoat from you.”

Brave sailors all. Thank you for your service.

Here are a few things that can be purchased for $3,500 instead of this dumb coat:

  • 3,500 double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s
  • A used 2001 Honda Civic with only 62,000 miles
  • Roundtrip airfare (from the U.S.), lodging for nine nights, breakfast each day and island-to-island transfers — for two — to Singapore and Thailand
  • 17 Navy-issue peacoats
  • All new furniture for a one- or two-bedroom apartment
Observation Post is the Military Times one-stop shop for all things off-duty. Stories may reflect author observations.

Jon Simkins is a writer and editor for Military Times, and a USMC veteran.

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