Jim Mattis’ favorite former press secretary, Sean Spicer, traded in briefing room for ballroom Monday night when he debuted on ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” in too-tight pants and a ruffled shirt sponsored by Mountain Dew.
Spicer, who admitted being “a little nervous” prior to showtime, performed a salsa routine to a remixed “Spice Up Your Life” by the Spice Girls. (We see what you did there.)
“No backing down now," he told judges, before launching into a series of convulsions ancient cultures may have once used to express mating desires.
Despite a dancing ability described by his partner as "pre-pre-school level,” when Spicer, much like Cuban Pete, started to dance, everything went chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom, a transcendent performance that culminated in a power slide.
“What were you doing there?” one bewildered judge asked of Spicer’s offensive, nationally televised display.
“It’s like you were being attacked by a swarm of wasps.”
Another judge, Len Goodman, took a different tone, applauding President Donald Trump’s former press secretary for his "courage [in] coming on this show.”
Spicer will courageously make a minimum of $125,000 for the appearance, according to reports.
Finishing with a score of 12 out of 30 points — a passing performance by ASVAB standards — Spicer miraculously scored higher than former NBA star Lamar Odom, who should be ashamed of himself.
First the Kardashians, now this?
Spicer’s tumultuous tenure in the White House included a reportedly contentious relationship with former Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis.
After repeated requests to get the retired Marine general to reluctantly appear on numerous talk shows, an exasperated Mattis, having responded “no” to Spicer’s requests a number of times already, lashed out at the Navy Reserve officer.
“Sean, I’ve killed people for a living," Mattis said, according to one passage in Bob Woodward’s book, “Fear: Trump in the White House."
"If you call me again, I’m going to f--king send you to Afghanistan. Are we clear?”
With Mattis no longer holding that authority, it might be time for Spicer to phone him once more, a last-ditch effort to settle a feud the way men of old squashed conflicts — on the dance floor, in platform shoes.
Chaos, as Mattis is known as, is not one to back down from a challenge, in any clime and place, dance floor included.
Who among us could forget his many dance-related Mattisisms?
“Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to serve everybody you meet.”
Twitter, meanwhile, had a field day following Spicer’s performance.
Jon Simkins is a writer and editor for Military Times, and a USMC veteran.