Special occasions make it difficult to grieve. They’re full of sentiment, and that is part of what makes them hard. Whatever we do and wherever we go, we are bombarded by the sights, sounds, and smells of the holidays. Every “Happy Holidays” greeting, every waft of nutmeg and cinnamon, every decoration is a reminder that someone special died, and our world is changed forever.
When facing the holidays in grief, the goal doesn’t have to be simply getting through them. Though painful, this can be a time of amazing growth and transformation. These six tips can help.
1) Admit the Pain of Holiday Grieving
Like the 12-step movement reminds us, we must first admit that this season is tough. There is an empty chair at the table, and that hurts. Because it hurts, there is no need to try to escape it, but acknowledging the grief is admitting that this year is different.
2) Set the Pace for Celebrating
Well-meaning friends and family may want you to attend parties and gatherings, hoping to cheer you up. You may want to participate in some events, but remember that grief is tiring and — even under the best circumstances — the holidays are taxing. You have permission to say no, even to well-intentioned invitations.
3) Evaluate Your Traditions and Create at Least One New One
Your list of holiday traditions may include a dozen or more activities — when you decorate the house, where and when you worship during the holidays, in whose home you share a family meal, and perhaps many others. Since you can’t keep everything like it was, evaluate what you do for the holidays and determine which traditions you want to preserve. And, don’t be afraid to enlist help.
You can also add a new activity, like lighting a candle or hanging a special ornament in honor of the person you lost. Other options, like providing gifts to a family in need or volunteering at a local feeding program or senior living facility, carry on a legacy of service and offer connection.
4) Take Care of Your Physical Well-Being
Eating a well-balanced diet, getting adequate rest, and participating in appropriate exercise for your abilities are essential to the bereavement process and contribute to a positive attitude and outlook. Grief is stressful, so make sure you are carefully monitoring consumption of less healthy foods and potentially harmful substances: caffeine, processed sugar, alcohol, and other addictive chemicals, animal fats, and processed foods. Be sure you are also drinking plenty of water, and talk with your health care professional about changes to your diet and exercise.
5) Consider Your Spirituality
The holidays have spiritual roots. Worshipping with your faith community or having a discussion with a spiritual leader can be comforting this time of year, especially in grief when you may be searching for meaning or spiritual truths.
6) Embrace Memories of Holidays Past
Things won’t be like they were, but we can hold in our hearts the memories of days gone by. Write your favorite stories in a journal. Look through photos in an album or on your phone. These are probably painful at first, but they help us face the future by celebrating with gratitude what we had in the past.
The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) supports all those grieving a death in the military and veteran community. Call the 24/7 National Military Survivor Helpline any time — including holidays, or visit TAPS.org for resources and peer support.
