Jennifer G. Hernandez might be the world’s most staunch supporter of the misguided notion that 50 noes and one yes ... means yes. Unfortunately for her, this concept has no application to the real world, especially when it comes to unauthorized CIA headquarters visits.
The 58-year-old woman allegedly trespassed on the grounds of the Langley, Virginia, headquarters on four separate occasions, the police complaint said, before finally requesting an audience with “Agent Penis," as one does.
Hernandez reportedly sauntered into the building April 22 — the first occasion — through the main vehicle entrance before she was stopped by a bewildered CIA police officer.
Once questioned, she reportedly informed the officer she was following up with a recruiter at the agency as part of her application for CIA employment.
It didn’t take long for law enforcement to debunk her claims, however, so on her way she was sent, this time sans arrest.
Seemingly undeterred by the nonexistent prospects of Central Intelligence Agency employment, Hernandez returned over a course of three consecutive days — May 1, 2 and 3, according to the complaint.
She showed up May 1 in a Lyft, the report said, and once more, informed officers of her need to see a recruiter — her very own unattainable wizard of the CIA’s Emerald City.
CIA law enforcement turned her away yet again, this time handing her a written warning with Gandalf-like “You shall not pass!” instructions.
Never one to be dissuaded by something like reality, Hernandez then showed up in an Uber, indiscriminately dividing her expenditures among ride-sharing competitors.
Officers reported she again requested to speak to her recruiter, and that doing so at the CIA’s headquarters was her only avenue due to the recruiter’s phone being turned off.
Hernandez was interviewed by law enforcement at the culmination of the May 2 excursion before being booted from the premises.
On May 3, Hernandez arrived for her final visit, requesting the return of her North Carolina ID card, which had mistakenly been kept in storage following her previous check in.
In a last-ditch attempt, Hernandez asked to speak with “Agent Penis,” or perhaps she was simply out of breath from so many trips to the CIA and was inquiring about Agent Pete Niscombe.
“Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place? That’s a horse of a different color!” is likely the officer response Hernandez hoped for.
Whatever the case may be, she was returned her ID before reportedly informing officers of plans to take the bus home, proving once more she is friend to all gainfully employed by the transportation industry.
But in a sick twist for the public bus trade, Hernandez refused to board, telling officers, “do you really think I’m going to leave?”
Leave she did, though — just moments later — when she was handcuffed and put in a police car.
Hernandez has been charged with a trespassing misdemeanor and is being held in Alexandria, Virginia.
She has yet to hear back from Agent Penis.
J.D. Simkins is a writer and editor for Military Times, and a USMC veteran.