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Termites, worms, mold and rocks: Al Udeid’s 5-star dining provides only the finest culinary experience

On the rarest of occasions, one encounters the type of cuisine that transcends earthly existence, a culinary delicacy that catapults all five senses through time and space and into unparalleled euphoria.

Such is the case with the fine dining at Al Udeid Air Base in Qatar, according to a series of recent Facebook posts that shine a light on a bevy of the base’s delectable menu choices.

In an effort to ensure our servicemen and women know the best dishes to satisfy the insatiable palate that protecting freedom induces, we explored the most mouthwatering five-star dishes “The Deid” has to offer.

1. SNUG AS A BUG

You may have had cereal before, but you’ve never had bug-infused cereal. Sprinkle some of these lucky charms on your bowl for extra protein, succulent flavor and — one could argue — spiritual fulfillment.

Scott knows what we’re talking about. “Nom nom nom nom,” he says.

2. THE LUCK OF THE IRISH

What could possibly be more representative of the Emerald Isle than beef stew? Green beef stew, of course. In Al Udeid, every day is St. Patrick’s Day. One bite from this generous course will leave your taste buds screaming “céad míle fáilte in my mouth!”


3. MY SORTA AORTA

There is American roast beef and then there’s Al Udeid roast beef, the pinnacle of sustenance. Served with full blown veins and arteries, you might look at your plate and think, “That’s a f---ing heart, dude.” But rest assured, the only heart in the equation will be yours, which will be busy fluttering as the pungent aroma possesses your very being.

Scrumptious!


4. OCS

No, not Officer Candidate School, but Oatmeal Chicken Surprise, because why devour a bland old bowl of oats for breakfast when — boom! — you can be punched in the face with a poultry revelation?


5. SLIMY YET SATISFYING

For the more health-conscious service member, try this lighter option and say “hakuna matata” while you rid yourself of all worries — and every bite of grub.


6. THE ROCK OF AGES

Have you, like so many, been dying to change your look to resemble one of those diseased greyscale, rock people on “Game of Thrones”? What better way to achieve success in the endeavor than eating actual rocks? It might be a tad crunchy, so wash it down with your favorite Rip It.

7. THE GREEN MILE

For those needing something quick and on-the-go, grab a sandwich that not only satisfies the meat and bread portions of the food pyramid, but greens as well. The splashing of olive drab in sandwiches is reminiscent of the camouflage uniforms donned by the service members devouring them.

But seriously, this is probably not good.

Help us, Upton Sinclair. You’re our only hope.

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