British military shenanigans are the gift that keeps on giving, a virtual embodiment of Harry Dunne telling Lloyd Christmas, “Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and do something like this.”
Only, the Brits didn’t totally redeem themselves by swapping a shaggin’ wagon for a moped that gets 75 miles to the gallon.
Just last week, the abusive tendencies of a (surprisingly) sober British sergeant with a propensity for twisting the weary nipples of his subordinates came to light.
Not to be outdone, British Army reservist Benjamin Hoyle, 35, took public drunkenness to new heights when he was denied access to a flight to Ibiza from Manchester airport due to a level of intoxication that, like the snow leopard, is rarely ever seen — the culmination of four beers on the way to the airport, a series of drinks at the airport bar, and an entire duty-free bottle of Captain Morgan in the terminal, according to a report.
After taking pity on every drop of the captain’s spiced rum, Hoyle bobbed, weaved and swiveled his way to the gate attendant, taking every air molecule into consideration to remain upright.
Recognizing the approaching customer’s compromised constitution, the Ryanair gate crew denied him access to the boarding process and the cliche vacation that awaited.
Ryanair is Europe’s budget equivalent of Spirit Airlines. Imagine the train wreck one must present to be turned away from an airline that routinely accepts the worst humanity has to offer.
Gathering himself, the enraged Hoyle launched into a borderline mythical cursing tirade that, legend says, accumulated into a tangible storm cloud before settling somewhere over the Scottish Highlands, where thunderous slurs can still be heard to this day.
“What the f--- you on about, you f---ing slag?" he reportedly shouted. “Look at you with your Primark shoes on. I’m wanting a refund, give me a f---ing refund. I am going to get you tomorrow ... fat f---ing b----, munter, fat f---ing tart."
When a male attendant attempted to intervene, Hoyle let loose another barrage.
“Look at you sat there with your f---ing wig on,” he said. “You better shut the f--- up or I’m going to take you all down, you f---ing q---r with a wig on.”
Having exhausted his repertoire of slurs concerning sexual orientation, Hoyle, spotting a staff member of Asian descent, moved onto race.
“You are the reason I was in Afghanistan,” he said. “I was fighting you all over there.”
Families stood by in shock, reports said. Not even cowering children were safe from Hoyle’s salvos. Turning away from the attendants, the soldier addressed his audience with a speech he felt would echo throughout eternity.
“I’m in the marines. I could f---ing take all of you out. ... I could f---ing kill you all if I wanted. I fought for you, you should be ashamed.”
British media later reported that he was not, in fact, a Royal Marine but rather a veteran of the Army reserves who spent the past year with the Marines “whilst awaiting final course completion before being referred to full service.”
Authorities arrived to arrest Hoyle, but to the surprise of no one, he proved to be less than compliant.
A failed attempt to kiss an unsuspecting woman would be his final act before finding himself in handcuffs.
When he finally sobered up, Hoyle told police he could remember nothing about the spectacle and insisted he was only a “2.5” on a drunk scale of “1-10.”
Would hate to see what happens at 3/10.
Hoyle subsequently admitted to charges of racially aggravated threatening behavior, among a slew of other offenses related to public drunkenness. He was sentenced to what amounts to 130 hours of community service.
Army officials say they’re investigating the incident.